I often talk to people who tell me, "We never argue." And they think that's a good thing.
But for me, that's a huge red flag.
Because when people say this, there's almost always a serious breakdown in communication.
Now, if we're defining "arguing" as losing your temper, screaming, and slamming doors — sure, we don't want that.
But when most people say "we don't argue," what they really mean is "we don't disagree."
And while a lack of arguing is healthy, a lack of disagreement is not.
You and your spouse are different people with different experiences, backgrounds, and needs. Every couple disagrees. Some just don't talk about those disagreements.
That's how you end up with unmet needs, years of resentment, and a marriage that falls apart seemingly out of nowhere.
At least when couples argue, they know their spouse is unhappy — and about what.
Arguments and avoiding disagreements are two sides of the same coin, and they share the same solution:
Stop trying to have the big relationship conversations. If your spouse doesn't feel safe disagreeing with you about small things, they're not ready to talk about the marriage.
Learn to control your emotions. Learn to communicate and disagree in a healthy way.
Then use those new tools to create a space where your spouse feels safe being honest with you.
Start small — talk about daily life. Show them you've changed.
Eventually, they'll feel safe enough to tell you what they really need. And that's when the real conversations—the ones that actually fix things—become possible.
