If your plan to save your marriage is "fix myself," that's not enough.
I know the thinking: improve yourself—regulate your emotions, hit the gym, make more money—and your spouse will see that better version of you and come back.
This mindset is everywhere—especially in men's programs. And it's why those programs have such low success rates.
Here's the truth: fixing yourself is 100% necessary to fixing a marriage. But if you only focus on yourself with no plan to fix the marriage, you're going to wind up a great person who's single.
Here's why:
First, you're probably changing the wrong things. Unless you can get your spouse to open up to you, you have no idea what they actually need. Every person needs different things to feel loved, shown in different ways. The only way to find out is through real conversation. Otherwise, you're throwing spaghetti at the wall.
Second, some of the skills you need can only be practiced together. Things like flirting, creating agreements, showing up as a parenting team, navigating conflict with family, bringing back romance—you can't learn those in a vacuum.
Third, even skills you have elsewhere break down with your spouse. So many of us can communicate at work or with friends. We control ourselves with clients. We manage our time on projects. But with our spouse? We get flooded and can't access those same skills. If you want to improve, you have to practice where it counts.
And lastly, removing friction doesn't fix the damage. Think about alcohol abuse—if that's been destroying your marriage and you've stopped drinking, that's necessary. But it doesn't undo the months or years of hurt. The same principle applies to everything: infidelity, cruel words in arguments, walking out, failing to have your spouse's back with your family. Not making those mistakes anymore is one thing. Rebuilding trust and closing the distance? That doesn't just happen.
So yes, work on yourself.
But the only way to save your marriage is to work on the marriage.
And yes, you can do that even if your spouse isn't on board yet.
Find out what your spouse actually needs. Become that person. Show them. Rebuild trust. Close the distance.
That's the work. And it's worth it.
