You're probably asking yourself: Does my spouse even want to save this marriage?
Probably not.
But here's the thing—that's not really the issue. The issue is that you think wanting is black and white. Your spouse either wants the marriage to work, or they don't. They're in or they're out.
That's not how this works.
Your spouse wanting the marriage isn't a door. It's more like a football field.
At the zero yard line, they've moved to a different country, blocked your number, and filed a restraining order.
At the 20, they're actively working toward divorce.
At the 30 or 40, you're looking at separation, maybe an affair, or them telling you "this isn't going to work."
The 50 yard line is where they start working on the marriage with you.
At 70, they're saying "we're staying together."
And 100 is the perfect marriage—more of a direction than a destination.
If you're reading this, your spouse is probably somewhere between the 20 and the 40. They're not fighting for the marriage, but they're not gone either.
Your entire job right now is to move that ball to the 50. That's it. Get them to a place where they're willing to work on this with you.
But here's what people actually do instead.
They give up because their spouse "is out." They see the 30 yard line and treat it like the zero. Game over. Why bother.
Or they give an ultimatum. "You need to decide if you're in or out." "You better start working on this with me." They try to force their spouse to the 70 yard line through pressure, and it pushes them back toward the 20.
Or they keep trying to have 70 yard line conversations when the ball is at the 30. "Are we going to make it?" "Do you still love me?" "Can you just tell me where we stand?" And every time they push for those answers before their spouse is ready to give them, they push the ball backward.
Here's the part most people miss: the words are almost always the last thing to change.
Your spouse will spend time with you, be intimate with you, move back in, and start working on the marriage with you—all before they ever say "I'm in."
You could see all of that progress and still not hear the words you're waiting for. That doesn't mean it's not working. It means the words come last.
If you're waiting for the words, you'll miss every sign of progress along the way. Worse, you'll keep pushing for those words and push them further away.
Stop chasing the 70 yard line conversation. Focus on moving the ball five yards at a time.
The words will come. They're just the last thing to change.
