Can A Marriage Survive Infidelity?

This is a transcript of a recorded podcast.

Infidelity is an issue that many couples grapple with. Studies put the rate of cheating between 20%-40%

One question reverberates through the minds of those facing this challenge: Can a marriage survive infidelity?

In this blog post, we will delve into the complexities of infidelity, exploring its definitions, reasons behind it, common mistakes to avoid, and the steps to heal and rebuild a marriage after an affair.

Defining Infidelity

Before we explore the possibility of overcoming infidelity, let’s define it. Infidelity, in the context of marriage, is the breach of an agreement made between spouses. It involves breaking the rules and commitments that both partners have intentionally set for their relationship.

Infidelity isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept. Its definition can vary significantly from one couple to another, depending on the agreements they’ve made. For instance, what might be considered cheating in one marriage, like having dinner with an ex, might be perfectly acceptable in another. It all comes down to the unique rules and agreements each couple establishes.

Why People Cheat

Understanding the reasons behind infidelity is crucial to determining if a marriage can survive such a breach of trust. A recent study revealed eight key motivations:

Anger or Revenge: Often triggered by difficulties or struggles in the relationship.
Self-Esteem: Feeling unwanted, undesired, or unsexy can drive individuals to seek validation elsewhere.
Lack of Romantic Love: If the emotional connection is missing in the primary relationship, people are likely to seek it elsewhere.
Low Commitment: A fear that the marriage won’t last, leading to seeking alternatives.
Need for Variety: Seeking excitement or different sexual activities not fulfilled in the primary relationship.
Neglect: Feeling ignored or unloved can drive individuals to look for emotional connection outside the marriage.
Sexual Desire: Not getting enough sex, or being unsatisfied with the sex in the marriage.
Situation or Circumstances: External factors like being drunk or overwhelmed can lead to poor decision-making.

Here’s what you need to notice. Every one of those motivations except circumstances (and arguably that as well) is due to a weakness in the marriage. That means you have the power to make a change.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

If infidelity rocks your marriage, steering clear of common mistakes is essential. These missteps include:

Rash Decisions: Acting impulsively, such as having a revenge affair or abruptly ending the marriage.
Withholding Information: The partner who cheated must fully disclose details of the affair, avoiding the temptation to dole out the truth gradually.
Minimizing or Justifying: Avoid downplaying the severity of the affair or justifying it, as it undermines the rebuilding process.
Oversharing: While transparency is crucial, sharing explicit details can be unnecessary and painful for the betrayed partner.
Radical Transparency: Excessive monitoring and control is a crutch that can be helpful in the short term, but it doesn’t solve the root issues and can exacerbate anxiety.
Taking Space Without Working on the Relationship: Time apart can serve a relationship, but without active efforts to address root problems, it’s likely to end the marriage.
Trying to Work Through it Alone: Infidelity is a significant breach of trust, that most people don’t get through on their own. Seeking professional guidance is crucial for effective resolution.

Healing a Marriage After Infidelity

1. Honesty and Responsibility

Both partners must be honest about the affair and what led to it. The partner who cheated needs to take responsibility not only for the act itself but also for the resulting hurt and challenge. The betrayed partner needs to choose forgiveness and take responsibility for the decision to stay.

2. Fixing Root Problems and Building a New Marriage

Addressing the underlying issues that contributed to the affair is vital. Someone must take the lead in creating a new, stronger foundation for their marriage, focusing on trust, communication, and fulfilling each other’s needs.

3. Rebuilding Trust

Trust is rebuilt through a formula of providing opportunities, consistent positive actions, and the passage of time. Following that formula, any breach of trust can eventually be overcome.

Can a marriage ever be the same again?

The aftermath of infidelity doesn’t mean the end of a marriage; in fact, it can be an opportunity for growth. While the marriage may never be the same, it can evolve into something even stronger. Infidelity doesn’t define a person’s worth or the love in a marriage; it is a breach of trust that, with the right steps, can be repaired.